Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
