Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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