we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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