i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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