Sober January is a disaster.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
