Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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