i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
