david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
