you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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