I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize