just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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