Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize