Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
