im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
