The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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