I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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