fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
