Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's rum buckets o'clock
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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