I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
