I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
