I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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