In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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