I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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