I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
