i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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