Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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