I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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