Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize