Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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