Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
