hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
pray to the hookup gods
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
