You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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