just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
