I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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