i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
