My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
