i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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