I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
soo... how was my night?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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