Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
