I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize