You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
