Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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