She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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