My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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