I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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