Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
