nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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