Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize