i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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