I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
