i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
