I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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