i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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