I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
