So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
