The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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