She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
