when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I currently don't understand fingers.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize