you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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