i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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