when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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