If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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