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Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
