I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He shit in the fireplace
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
