life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
