If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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