i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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