She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
