my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize