booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
