I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
